


Rumor Has It

by MissMegh



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Abuse of Authority, Crack Treated Seriously, Gossip, Hux is Not Nice, Identity Porn, M/M, Nobody on the Finalizer gets anything done, Original Character(s), Unreliable Narrator, little bit of porn, lots of language, so many unreliable narrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-02-18
Packaged: 2018-09-25 07:45:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9809891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissMegh/pseuds/MissMegh
Summary: Why the hell is Matt on theFinalizer,anyway?There are a few theories.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I had originally intended this for Kylux Week '16. It... did not get done. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ I wasn't sure which prompt I wanted to do so I combined two (Tuesday: Matt the Radar Technician/Wednesday: ”I’ve heard that Kylo Ren has an eight-pack”) and it ended up a lot longer than I planned. Welp.
> 
> I definitely cribbed a few stormtrooper jokes from [this excellent post.](http://pockypuck.tumblr.com/post/151512770819/mooglemisbehaving-kyraneko)
> 
> Also I am so very sorry about the military organization. I tried. Either there are three different military branches on the _Finalizer_ or the First Order just hands out rank names by picking them from a hat. I’m going to cross my fingers and hope it makes sense.
> 
> Many thanks to [caityjay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caityjay/pseuds/caityjay) for making the words make sense (and then telling me why they do).
> 
> If you want to follow my nonsense, I'm on [Tumblr.](http://pockypuck.tumblr.com/)

“Kriff, what’s wrong with that guy’s braincase?” GR-1583 tore into a fiber bar with a little more vehemence than he might have ten minutes ago. Nobody at the table asked him who ‘that guy’ was. The tray splattered over the floor answered the question rather succinctly. Matt always left a pretty clear trail behind him.

“I think they used him for reconditioning tests and broke him,” FN-6102 mused, stirring at her mashed starch without real interest. “I mean, he’s a pretty useless tech, from what Leslie says. Maybe they figured it’d cut losses.”

“No, see, I heard he used to be in the ‘trooper program but he washed out because he kept taking kicks to the head.”

“Griff,” IS-9211 said with exaggerated patience, “nobody can reach his head. He’s a damn giant.”

“He’s not so tough, I could knock him down.”

“Really. Be my guest, then.”

“Guys,” Petty Officer Yissik overrode them as GR-1583 started to argue back, “you’re missing the obvious.” When all they got were blank looks, Yissik elaborated, “Kylo Ren is using him for target practice.”

“Nah, he’s still in one piece.”

“Not _lightsaber_ practice, obviously. I mean with his…” Yissik made a wiggly hand motion near their temple. “Force thing.”

“Wow, you’ve definitely been hanging around Matt too much if you’re talking about Kylo Ren’s ‘Force thing’.”

Yissik threw a balled-up napkin at IS-9211.

“Hey,” FN-6102 said once the laughter had died, looking thoughtful. “What if that’s it?”

“That’s what I just said.”

“No, I mean. What if Matt’s actually getting nailed so hard he’s losing brain cells?”

“Are you kidding me.” GR-1587 gave her a look normally reserved for those who insisted that Captain Phasma really was smiling at them under her helmet.

“If he is, I really don’t want to think about it.” Yissik scrunched their face.

“You have to think about it,” FN-6102 insisted. “Look at it. He’s a terrible tech, he talks back to officers and doesn’t get spaced, he’s outright crazy and hasn’t been sent to reconditioning once. It only adds up to one thing.”

IS-9211 looked at her with round eyes. “Matt is _Kylo Ren?"_

 _"No,"_ FN-6102 sighed. “That makes even less sense. Why would Kylo Ren come down here?”

“Commander outreach program?” Yissik offered, though not as if they believed it.

“Matt,” FN-6102 said deliberately, “is getting fucked by Kylo Ren.”

“I can’t unhear that,” GR-1587 said with his face in his gloves.

“So hard he’s losing brain cells,” FN-6102 added.

_"Stop."_

“It would explain why he’s obsessed with him,” Yissik admitted. “And he was kind of limping the other day, but he looked… less unhappy.”

“I’m totally right.”

“Wait, so he likes it? Why?” IS-9211 still didn’t look convinced.

“Again: crazy. Besides, even he’s got to have some form of endorphins in there somewhere.”

“I’m going back to barracks,” GR-1587 said, picking up his tray and his helmet, “in the desperate hope that I don’t have to hear anything else about Kylo Ren’s Force thing.”

 

“Wow,” Corporal Tokani said from her bunk as Yissik slumped into the room. “You look like shit.”

“I was running between Comm and Fore J for the last half of Delta shift,” Yissik groaned, flopping onto their own bunk. “I _feel_ like shit.”

“Still haven’t got that relay fixed?” Tokani looked mildly sympathetic, although whether that was for Yissik’s unscheduled marathon or whatever she was reading on her datapad was anyone’s guess.

“Nope. And the shortcut through Aft B got KRed, so I had to take the long way.”

“KRed?”

“Kylo Renned.” Yissik turned their head to look blearily at their bunkmate. “You didn’t have a Kylo Ren aboard the _Inquisitor,_ did you. Lucky girl.”

Now Tokani looked interested, setting her datapad down on the covers. “I keep hearing about this Kylo Ren character, but he hasn’t made an appearance. I thought he was a commander?”

“Technically, yes, but Hux hates him being on the bridge if he can help it. He’s been off on some spirit journey until a few days ago, that’s probably why you haven’t run into him.” Yissik let their arm flop over their eyes. Blessed, wonderful darkness. The hurting had to stop sometime.

“There are a lot of rumors about him going around.” Tokani sounded expectant, but Yissik wasn’t ready to aggravate their headache again just yet. “It’s really bizarre,” Tokani pressed anyway. “I heard from Thanisson that he might not even be human.”

“Even if he is, he’s probably not, functionally speaking. The only thing I really know about him is that he uses the Force and he’s completely insane.”

“Some ‘trooper told Thanisson that he had to be human, though. She said that she’d heard…” Tokani lowered her voice, clearly getting to the juicy part of the story, “...that Kylo Ren had an eight-pack. ‘Shredded,’ I think she said. He’d have to be an alien, though, wouldn’t he? Who has an eight-pack?”

“Somebody who’s having a lot of sex,” Yissik mumbled without thinking.

“Are you joking?” Tokani sounded delighted. “With _who?"_

“Whom.”

“Pedant. Come on, tell me. You can’t just let it hang like that.” By the time Yissik pulled their arm away from their eyes, Tokani was perched on the edge of her bunk like a child anticipating a bedtime story. “Do you know who’s screwing Kylo Ren?”

Yissik hesitated. The riveted attention from their normally casual bunkmate was quite frankly energizing, but… did they _really_ want to be the ones spreading rumors about Kylo Ren’s bedroom habits? Neither he nor Matt the Technician were particularly stable men. What if someone traced the gossip?

Then again, FN-6102 hadn’t exactly been quiet about her speculations. Someone else was bound to say something. Besides, Ren wasn’t likely to be anywhere near Tokani anytime soon. A little bonding chatter couldn’t possibly hurt.

 

Ensign Jing very carefully did not turn his head away from his viewscreen, but he absolutely was not paying attention to it. The conversation behind him was a lot more relevant to his interests than the great lot of nothing happening in Corridors B12-24, anyway.

“—and Ren blocks off the training room half the time he goes in to spar, so that’s when everyone figures they’re doing it.” Cpl. Tokani’s rich voice was low and mostly even, but the excited edge of her tone matched the level of scandal in the gossip she was dishing out.

“They wouldn’t. Hux would go ballistic.” Despite the denial, Sergeant Farwell sounded like he’d gotten five years’ worth of birthday presents at once. Jing couldn’t very well blame him.

“Who else would?” Tokani countered. “You know how Ren gets.”

“That reminds me, Fore D got KRed yesterday and they’re still not letting anyone through because Aft B is still down from last time.”

“Hm. Matt must be busy with work.”

“Wait, do you think _that's_ what it is?” Farwell couldn’t keep the prurient shock out of his voice. “Kylo Ren tears up the ship because he’s getting _blueballed?"_

“Well, it makes sense, doesn’t it? Ren gets so worked up all the time anyway, he’d need to get it out somehow. I’ve heard he doesn’t even sleep. And if he gets in the habit of taking it out on some _one_ … well.” Tokani had gone positively throaty. Jing hoped nobody realized how hard he was starting to blush. The way rumors started on this ship, he didn’t want to get a reputation for liking security feeds a little too much.

Judging by Farwell’s tone, he was having similar problems. “That has disturbing implications.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Oh hell, get that look off your face.”

“Shan’t.”

“You’re a terrible and frightening person.”

“You love it.”

They moved out of range before Jing could hear any more, but that may have been for the best; he felt like his head might explode. _Kylo Ren is fucking a radar technician._

Syrus was never going to believe this.

 

“Hey,” Jing whispered to his bunkmate at lunch. “Syrus. Guess who Kylo Ren is fucking. It’s _filthy."_

“Kylo Ren is what?” Second Lieutenant Callat boomed behind them, making Jing jump and Syrus knock over his binka juice.

“Um. Nothing?”

“Bantha shit.” Callat plunked their tray down on the table and settled their thick torso into a chair. “Spill. Filth and all. I’ve been trying to find out who it is for weeks. Nobody takes up the training room for that long by himself.”

 

“Hey. Maro. Guess who likes getting Force-choked.”

“Everybody knows about Mitaka’s kinks, Callat.”

“Not him. That one tech who keeps begging to be spaced.”

“Wh—wait, the blond one? Glasses, nose, won’t shut up about… ohhhh.”

“Told you.”

“How did—you know, actually, it makes sense that he’d have to be choked into shutting up.”

“Right?”

“Wonder what else Ren does to him?”

“Well, that one Sec ensign with the legs you like had a few ideas…”

 

“You’re making it up.”

“Not a chance. Callat says they heard voices— _two_ of them—in the training room Ren had blocked off for the evening.”

“Doing _what?"_

“You know damn well what.”

“Well, don’t just sit there, tell me!”

 

“Did you hear? Ren fucks the techs to stay in shape.”

“Oh come on. He uses the Force for that.”

“No, swear. He’s got an eight-pack from all the sex he gets. And one of them likes a little ‘lightsaber play,’ if you know what I mean.”

“I do not. ...Tell me right now.”

 

“Lieutenant Evoros.”

“Sir!” Evoros snapped to attention, aware that Rigel had already made himself scarce in the ominous wake of Hux’s arrival. _Traitor._ Evoros tried to look like she wasn’t about to sweat through her uniform. She could practically feel everyone’s ears straining around her, although they kept their eyes rigidly fixed to their consoles.

Hux looked no more severe than usual, sea-ice eyes fixed on Evoros’ face with the same unnerving focus he always had when someone was unlucky enough to garner his attention. Perhaps he was just going to give some especially specific order, and she’d be able to escape quickly?

“You know I despise frivolous gossip on my ship,” he told her without inflection, nevertheless dashing any hopes of getting out with her skin intact. “Particularly in reference to superior officers.”

“Y-yes, sir.” Oh hell, he knew. He probably knew about every bit of juicy speculation she’d been passing back and forth for the last month. Her ass was well and truly lasered. They couldn’t recondition commissioned officers, could they? Would he tell Kylo Ren? She wasn’t ready to join Mitaka in his Force-choking kink hell.

“The speculation that Kylo Ren has an ‘eight-pack’ is completely immaterial, and such conjecture demeans the integrity of the First Order,” Hux continued, looking like a Nexu making commentary on the weather. “You are not to spread any such nonsense.”

“Yes, sir. Apologies, sir.” Maybe if she made the right noises, she’d get out of this unflayed. Maybe it was just a formality that had to happen. Hux didn’t look angry, after all, just… well, she couldn’t quite identify that look on him. His posture was as immaculate as ever, his face impassive, but there was something definitively unholy about the look in his eyes.

“The same goes for the rumor that he does not sleep.” Hux finally looked away from her, flicking an invisible piece of lint from the nap of his greatcoat.

“Yessir.” If she agreed with everything he said, this would all be over soon. After her shift she’d find a nice stiff drink somewhere to celebrate her narrow escape from reconditioning. Just a few more awkward seconds, surely.

“And the idea that he has no gag reflex.”

Evoros froze. That… was not one she’d heard going around. Not from anyone, in fact. And… Hux was watching her, the weight of his eyes suddenly even more laden than usual. “...Was that a rumor, sir?” she dared, hoping she looked innocently appalled rather than about to collapse because _General Hux was spreading gossip about Kylo Ren._ That couldn’t be happening. It wasn’t possible.

“Rumor, Lieutenant?” General Hux looked at her again, voice bland and eyes gleaming. “Not at all.”

He strode off after another moment, and Evoros clutched at her monitor to keep from falling over.

Hux spreading gossip about Kylo Ren.

Hux talking about Kylo Ren’s gag reflex (or lack thereof???).

Hux talking about Kylo Ren’s gag reflex _as if he knew what he was talking about._

 _Nobody is_ ever _going to believe this when I tell it._

 

“Do you have to upstage my rumors?” Kylo groused by way of announcing himself, barely waiting until the door to Hux’s office had closed behind him.

“I am hardly at fault if my narratives are more appealing than yours,” Hux countered mildly. He didn’t even look up from his datapad, even though Kylo could feel the waves of smugness pouring off him. Hux had the same expression as his damn cat whenever she managed to knock something expensive and fragile off a shelf. Bastard. Kylo pulled his helmet off with a hiss of released catches and flopped petulantly into the only other chair in the room. Hux did slant him a sidelong glare at the heavy _crack_ of his helmet hitting the floor, but Kylo just settled in with raised eyebrows, bracing his elbows on his knees and watching Hux do busywork.

“Half the bridge staff has a minor mental meltdown whenever I come on during your shift,” he said, refusing to be distracted by Hux’s long fingers as they traced the screen. “Do you know how distracting it is to hear people with bars on their sleeves squealing to themselves like over-sugared children?”

“As long as they’re not broadcasting it to High Command, I fail to see the problem.” That was definitely a tiny smile at the corner of Hux’s mouth. The smugness was suffocating.

Kylo changed tack, leaning back with one elbow on the spine of the chair. “It’s not helping the other rumors, you know. The ones about ‘Matt’.”

“That is entirely your fault for getting that ridiculous costume. I don’t know why you try to be covert; you have to wipe most of the people you interact with anyway.” Hux’s gaze kept flicking over to him now, though. Kylo fought down a smirk and kept pressing.

“People are trying to sneak into the training gym during my workouts.” He paused for effect, then added, “I’ve seen a few with datapads. Haven’t checked the Holonet for recordings, but who knows.”

“Mn. Get names, then. I’ve been wanting to test some new reconditioning programs.” The only outward sign that Hux’s calm tone was pure bantha shit was the little clench of his jaw, but it made Kylo grin anyway.

“I dunno, I thought maybe I’d let a few in, give them a sh—”

“All right, you’ve run your mouth long enough,” Hux announced, smacking the datapad flat on his desk. Kylo snickered right up to the second that Hux’s tight rear end hit his crotch; he groaned a little at the rough landing, but his hands were already smoothing over narrow hips.

Hux’s demanding yanks on his cowl and tunic made Kylo laugh. “The eight-pack is ‘immaterial,’ hm?” he murmured in Hux’s ear, giving his earlobe a nip for good measure.

“Well, as far as they’re concerned.” Hux’s voice had finally gone low and purring, and yet he still found the time to sit back and give Kylo a smirk that made his blood fizz. “For myself, I’m rather invested in seeing how long you can fuck me against that wall with no hands.”

Kylo groaned loud enough that Hux shushed him with one finger; he retaliated by closing his lips around the offending digit and sucking hard. Hux hissed at the drag of teeth and suction, eyes blazing and hips grinding viciously down. “Careful, Ren. Wouldn’t want to start any more rumors, hmn?”

“How about you tell me all the rumors you’ve already started,” Kylo growled, finally managing to get Hux’s pants open and cock out. “And we’ll see how many we can confirm.”


End file.
